frozenfanonfandomcom-20200223-history
Talk:The Evil Snowman/@comment-11133912-20140327220203
Yucca, you have a very nice story going on. I personally think you have a good plot. :) I always wanted to make an Olaf fanfic, but I didn't know where to start, or what I could write about. But can I be honest? This story could be SO much better. I have a few suggestions. 1) Dialogue Whenever a new character speaks, you have to start a new line. For example: "Hello Snowman that looks like me! What's your name?!" Olaf asked. "I'm Grumpy!! What do you want!?" Grumpy huffed. "Oh, hi Grumpy!! Wanna play?!" Olaf said a little too loud. "No!! I'll melt!! You're just bragging that you have that snow cloud on top of you!!" Said Grumpy. First of all, you need to break the dialogue up because it's correct grammar and format, if you get what I mean. Second, it just makes it more eye pleasing and less intimidating to read. When I first read the title, I was interested, but once I looked at the text, I almost groaned at the huge paragraph. It took me a little while to read it because I had to concentrate on who was talking. This also ties into this scene: But why didn't he just asked me?" Elsa said. "Maybe he's just to shy to ask!" Anna said.... "Let me go!" said Olaf, then finally they let him go. "Don't move!!" Grumpy said, "Grumpy?...." Olaf said sadly.. then Olaf sobs then cries "I thought you were my friend Grumpy!" Olaf yelled, "I'll never be your friend!!" Grumpy said grumpily, "Hahaha! We finally captured you so that pathetic Elsa would come and rescue you so we can finally eliminate her!! Bwahahahaha!!" Remilia said. "Nooo!!!" Olaf said Two things. You need to clarify who's speaking. I didn't know if it was Grumpy, Olaf, or Remilla talking. Thankfully, it was obvious who was evil and who wasn't. Consider a revision like this: "But why didn't he just asked me?" Elsa said. "Maybe he's just to shy to ask!" Anna said. (In here, you would insert a line break, or something in the page to let readers know that the setting is changing.) "Let me go!" said Olaf, then finally they let him go. is "they"? "Don't move!!" Grumpy said. "Grumpy?...." Olaf said sadly. Then Olaf sobs, and cries, "I thought you were my friend Grumpy! I'll never be your friend!!" Grumpy said grumpily, "Hahaha! We finally captured you so that pathetic Elsa would come and rescue you so we can finally eliminate her!!" Bwahahahaha!!" Remilia said. "Nooo!!!" Olaf said. Next, grammar and punctuation. Several times, you used two periods instead of one. You only use one period at the end of a sentence, and three periods, called an ellipsis, is used when you trail off a sentence. Like, you get what I mean...? That sentence was an example. :P "But why didn't he just asked me?" Elsa said. Here, you used an incorrect verb form. It should be "ask", not "asked". Two more things. You overuse the word "said." Now, "said" isn't a bad word at all. But using it too much is too repetitive, and could show that you're too lazy to find another word. There are many other versions of said. Yelled, exclaim, huffed, croaked... You would find these in a thesaurus. Specific verbs and nouns make the story so much more interesting and fun to read! :D And the last thing. There are two types of sentences. Movie and concept sentences. In this story, I would say you have more concept sentences. In a story, it's crucial to balance these types of sentences. Concept sentences keep the story moving along. Movie sentences keep that imaginary movie screen of what's happening in the story going along. Be more descriptive of your writing. For example: Many years have passed since the eternal winter in Arendelle, and much has changed. Elsa has learned to control her powers. Kristoff and Anna were engaged. Sven was still the loyal pet reindeer of Kristoff. And what has become of our innocent snowman, named Olaf? He was still an innocent person- actually, snowman. Everyday, he goes around the kingdom, cheering up sick children, playing with school kids, and entertaining adults. But the beautiful weather outside could never have predicted the events of the next few days. The sky was blue, a color Crayola could never come up with. The fjord was bustling with ships and negotiating voices. Children played on the streets, their laughter ringing in the air. The sun was shining, but it wasn't a problem for Olaf anymore, thanks to his personal flurry. One day, while walking around the kingdom, Olaf saw something peculiar. A snowman, just like him was walking in his direction. His snowy white head was hung low, and the snowman kept his arms crossed, like he was too cold. He trudged around town with a hunch. When he saw Olaf, his eyebrows furrowed and a scowl appeared on his face. Olaf, being the friendly snowman he was, greeted the other snowman. "Hello, Snowman, you look like me! What's your name? Mine's Olaf." "I'm Grumpy!" The snowman grumbled. "What do you want!?" He demanded. Do you see how this makes it much more interesting and easier to read? It may not be the best, as I'm just typing this instead of working on it over a few days. But do you see what I'm trying to say? :) I know that I've talked to you on the Frozen Wiki, and I act a little differently on here. I sound straightforward here, and that was my point. Good writing always takes time and hard work, believe me. Never expect that perfect story to flow out of you like the "KA-Ching" on a cashier. Don't take this personally, okay? I want you to improve, and that's why I took time to comment on this. If you don't believe the things I said in here, or don't think I'm good enough to judge, check out my fanfiction account. I don't write Frozen Fanfiction at the moment; I write Austin & Ally ones. But that doesn't mean that the things I learned couldn't apply to this fandom. :) If you want, I would be happy to help you with any future stories you might have. There's also a Frozen archive there for Frozen fanfiction. The writers there will be happy to help you. :D One more thing. NEVER stop writing. Even though I sound negative here, it was exactly. Hopefully, I gave you some tips that helped you. :) Writing is a craft that can be improved only by doing it more. And the only way to get better at writing is to... Well, write. :P So yeah. I hope you don't mind this really long comment. I've made comments like this before, but on a different site. Believe me, you CAN be a great writer - you just need practice. :D